Hi! So excited to meet alll of you and read your stories. I have read all of Lanie's books and bought most of her meditations. I realized that I first need to work on me. I am the common factor in all of my relationships ending. So that will be my first step.
I unexpectedly lost my father in April from Lymphoma and it devistated me to the point the I kicked my fiancé out as he wasn't coping with my grief well at all. That was back at the end of April. He agreed to return me on July 4th, but the trust was gone. Our one year anniversary was July 2/bd and he changed for the worst during our separation. I had to ask him to leave again this past Sunday as he picked up illegal Pot usage every morning noon and night (all night). We work together at a health care facility and I asked, pleaded, begged that he stop. He promised that after that first bag was gone he would not buy anymore. Well, we got into a fight and the first thing he did was buy more.. I am a supervisor (not his) and we are all randomly drug tested. I can't lose my job or take the risk of being arrested and loosing a 25+ year career due to his drug abuse. Before asking him to leave, I gave him a choice and he clearly stated he was NOT throwing away the pot. I would have to be patient with him. Yet, he couldn't pay his cell phone bill or help with food due to his paying a large sum of money for the pot. When he came back the first time, I promised I would never ask him to leave again (didn't know he was smoking pot), so when he made his choice of pot over means I asked him to leave, he called me a liar and didn't trust me and will never ever come back. That I will always want full control and he is not a child. We are both 42. He's had a very bad past and moved to FL to leave it behind (jail time, paying 10k to keep is lucense, bad boy syndrome", but then went back to college, just got his Bachelors in IT and was really turning his life around. It went bad when my grief of my Dads sudden death took over every emotion I had. I love him dearly, however I can't have an
Illegal drug user as my fiancé or in my life. He swears he will never ever come back. I am the biggest liar and user and said really horrible things. In the anger of the moment, I emailed horrible things back. Due to the debt that we have accumulated together and he has moved out and won't help with, I have to get a second job. I will be using all of Lanie's techniques to get myself right first, then hopefully give him some messages of love and hope etc. I don't contact him but because we work together, I see him very randomly. I am not ready to date. I truly have great faith that all of the techniques that Lanie has will bring my life back in perfect order. Any words of encouragement or guidance would be much appreciated. Thank you to all my new "sisters", I really need you right now! Many hugs!
I do have a huge first question. When I do the meditations, I do actually fall asleep as I don't wake up until the next morning. I scoured the boards for this and couldn't find an answer on it. Only that person "think" they fall asleep. I do! I wake up the next morning. Does that mean I am not meditating and just literally falling asleep to her voice? I apologize for the very long thread.