Name

Message

[quote=Cahira]Hello everyone, I'm really happy to have found this place and first I want to introduce myself and my story a bit. My story is a bit weird and long winded, so please bear with me. And I hope I post in the right section!  I'm a 32 year old female and my SP and I have been together from loosely 2003 until 2013. I called it a day back then because I had a lot of issues (anxiety disorder) and he had always been a bit more into me than I was into him or so I thought. Back then I was so troubled with my life and he had his own issues that I thought it would be the best if we'd part ways and just remain friends because he longed so much for children etc. that I felt like I was probably interfering with his future too much. I wanted him to be happy. Well, he wasn't happy at all about our split of course. He kept pleading and begging me for over a year almost constantly and of course - like they all say about LOA - that pushed me away even more. Furthermore I was so focused on my therapy that I felt incredibly pressured and just remained cool although we were in contact weekly.  In 2014 I began missing him and felt I had done a major mistake in splitting up with him but I talked myself into thinking I had done the right thing and although I had strong feelings and he was still after me, I stood by my word. We should just be friends. By the end of 2015 I agreed to meet again. We hadn't seen each other since our breakup. It was really nice to see him again, our contact became far more emotional and he told me how important I still was to him, that we could begin new but take it slowly. I, foolishly, said once again we should just be friends and build up trust and then let's see. Meanwhile he had made a chat friend, I'll call her girl No. 1. They had never met but he had very warm feelings towards her and found their relationship special. I felt slightly jealous but again told myself I shouldn't be because we were just friends and acted normal towards him. In May 2016 he asked me to probably start an affair because he "needed sex" but the only woman he could feel something for was me. I declined and told him that would probably only hurt him.  In August 2016 we met and he told me he had hooked up with another girl, girl No. 2, so to speak but couldn't feel something for her. He said his heart belongs to girl No. 1 ... and me. All of this shattered my beliefs big time. I know it was silly after I rejected him but I was shocked that he was so serious about girl no. 1 and even more so that he had hooked up with a girl he couldn't feel something for. The guy I knew had never done something like that but then again I now know he was just desperate, he had been single for more than 3 years...  However, from August 2016 our contact faded, he just disappeared and girl no. 1 contacted me to tell me that girl no. 2 had moved in with her son with him. I was shocked! During the summer my feelings for him had become stronger and stronger and I had wanted to talk about it with him. He said he was happy about it and would love to start a new relationship with me, that he would come back to me etc. Furthermore we had been friends and I was just so disappointed that he wouldn't talk with me.  Our contact went downhill from then on. We met again in August 2017 and he told me he would break up with the girl he was living with if I'd want it because he didn't really love her. I couldn't say "yes, break up with her!" because I felt guilty towards this girl and after all he had been begging me to come back for years. But during the year that had passed I had become fully aware that I still loved him, that I never wanted to lose him and that all my decisions had been wrong.  In November 2017 we had a short fling, he told me that he had always wanted me and that we could start again but then he disappeared again. He had told me the deepest things but then all of a sudden he said "I want to keep you as a friend, you hurt me too much in the past and you wanted things to be as they are now. You don't love me".  I was so desperate about all of this and felt like the biggest mess on earth. We haven't seen each other since last year and I miss him everyday, I feel so bad for what I have done... I miss him as a friend and the indeed only man who has ever "got" me... We've been texting and sometimes phoning (but only every, let's say two or three months), I tried to talk to him but he blocked all serious conversations and kept telling me he would reply about that the other day, which he never does then.  Two weeks ago I started with PW and I also went NC. Since then he has contacted me but not in the way I would wish he would. I want to meet him, to have a good conversation, real talk and reconciliation, at least as friends but I hope for more.  The thing is I can't forget all the things that happened in 2016. I don't know if that makes sense to you but he said and done so many things that really hurt me and also girl no. 1 when she contacted me. After girl no. 2 had moved in with him she broke contact with him and he still longs for her because he now thinks she had been his soulmate although he says "but it was never as intense as between you and me but you don't want me, you just think you want me because you think you won't anyone else". This makes me so sad because it's not true. I've been thinking about that too but I could have other men if I'd want to. It also hurts to hear things like that... So, my main problems are that I feel a bit guilty towards girl no. 2 who is still living with him - although their relationships is quite unhappy and she has left him three times already and while I can imagine that he still loves me and we'll meet again, I feel like he can never truly forgive me for the past. Does anyone have an advice for that? It's the first NC I really did, I had tried many times but always failed. I feel better since I'm ignoring him (he can call me on my landline if he really wants to talk, I also told him in my last message if he needs to talk or anything happens to him (he had been admitted to hospital in November), he can always contact me but that I feel like we have lost each other and I'm really sad about it but it doesn't make sense to be in contact (especially as he never wants to meet me although he says so sometimes but if I check for a date he doesn't have time or doesn't reply etc. - but I didn't write that in my final message). So, almost three weeks with no contact has healed me a bit although there are still down days where I want to cry my heart out and feel as depressed as if someone had died or my life is over. I work on that and I do EFT which really helped me concerning my depression that I have been suffering from about two years now (it started shortly before he hooked up with this girl). I really feel like I have attracted all of this and someone who's into LOA told me at least his manifestation has become true, haha. Because I know he has visualized and manifested me for year unconsciously, he even RSed me (without knowing what it is) and when he did let go he got me big time. LOL. But now I want him too! I've always loved him but now I can see him as the father of my children. I had commitment issues and I feel so bad for wasting so many years and rejecting him. I've hurt him so much... I often feel a certain sadness from him when I do BW but I want him to be happy. How can I get rid of the sadness, his and mine? I would be very happy for any advice in my situation - is NC even correct in our situation? I had tried to communicate with him totally normal but I always expected something else. He's not very well and I tried to be his friend but my feelings for him are strong and it hurts too much if he says he's vacationing with his girlfriends for example... PS: English is not my first language, so please excuse my mistakes![/quote]