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[quote=Cahira]Thank you Angelfire for your warm welcome, insightful reply and the compliment! [img]http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/happy.png[/img] It's really so great to share these things and get some encouragement and new perspectives from others! I had often heard about how important it is to forgive oneself but I never knew how... What you wrote made sense - it was the best - for us both - I could think of at that time. I really realize that there's quite a lack of self love in me indeed (for ages, I believe) and I'm working on it. I really love the tapping/EFT method Lanie introduced to me in her books. I had tried self love meditations or mantras but I couldn't hold on to them, sometimes I even felt more miserable afterwards. I do the tapping and affirmations with my eyes closed and somehow this puts me far more easily in a positive and meditative place. It just feels sooo good and it's my way to get relax and even visualize what I wish for.  And yeap,  there's a big resistance. I've managed to push him away from at least weekly contact, a short but very loving "fling" in November to basically no contact and if very very impersonal contact from February/March on until now. The exception was his call for my birthday in May. We talked for two hours and it was like in the old days, fun and easy and loving. He even told me he likes me so much but that he's sorry he just can't bear anything at the moment (he's ill since last November).  I've foolishly tried to built up a relationship of deep trust in 2015/16 when it came from a fear of losing him (in November 2015 when we first met after years I felt as if something was different and as I had been sad and desperate about other things I kept over-analyzing until our relationship became indeed rather cool and the disaster followed) on the outside. Now I know I can only create that in my inner world and don't even need to talk to him.  I know it works. I tried it for a cat. I got my cat last December and he was terrible shy, he just didn't like to be touched at all, would hiss or hit people etc. People told me I should give up on him but I decided: no, he will be a normal and happy cat. There were times, weeks and months that followed where I doubted it sometimes but I decided again: nope, he will be perfectly fine and happy. I had experience with stray cats that never were socialized but believe me none of them was such a "tough" case like this one. And only four weeks ago all of a sudden this cat comes to me and starts to purr! From then on he became totally lovely and happy and self confident and he's exactly as I had imagined him!  But for my guy there's truly a lot resistance that I have to lose. For example, I try to trust in him and think positive but I catch myself arguing with him in my mind. But I have to say since I went NC I get more and more relaxed and the imagination that we will find each other somehow, pictures of us enjoying traveling or raising a child together come to me more easily.  Today I sent him love three times (normally I only do it once a day) and it just felt so good. I felt a warmness between us and he smiled which made me happy. I imagined him forgiving me and me forgiving him and we hugged for a long time. Especially as he's not feeling well at the moment I want to send him unconditional love, were it not for my down days. And they're really dark when they come but thankfully they become less and less. Oh, and BWD was a typo. So far I've only done PW because I know he's sexually attracted to me anyway but I want to focus on the true love connection far more.  Thanks again for your reply and I'll probably be back here with question or hopefully successes to tell! Love and light to you and everyone reading this too! [img]http://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/love.png[/img][/quote]