wouldn't it be if he was thinking of himself and his well being (and his thoughts) then he would have backed off.  
So you're thinking that because he is thinking of me, he proposed to her so he doesn't lose her?  
I guess I don't really understand... 

Aphrodite11 wrote:

HH wrote:

 

 No !!!!! Just no !!!!!
You think he thinks about her !!!!!!!! Bullshit !!!!!
With all the work you have been doing there is no way he can think of anyone else except you !!!!! 
If he was thinking so much about her and cared for her then I don't think he would have gone ahead and proposed.
When humans have someone else in their mind all the time, feel things for someone else all the time while they are with someone else, we call it emotional cheating.
I am not saying your man is a bad person. No. Not at all.
What I saying is that if he proposed to her while having feelings only for you then he doesn't really care and think about her. If he was thinking of her or her well being, then he would have backed off.
I could be wrong. But still, this is what I think.
Don't you give up HH !!!!

Thanks so much Aphrodite, that makes sense...
even with him thinking of me and having those feelings, his free will made him ignore those feelings and propose to her.  It's what you said: "They are with one person but truly want to be with another person yet stay with whoever they are with. It's very common."

what would you do in this situation knowing that he had the free will and moved forward with the current situation and current relationship? he clearly chose her.  and I think he knows better than to just propose, since we were already engaged and he went through this process... i can't imagine him not thinking this through wholeheartedly... 




 

Thank you Emmiline.  You're right on.  He lost me instead of I lost him... your message is so simple yet so impactful.  I have to practice saying that instead of I lost him.  

It's hard to just give up the technique after doing it for so long and if there's a small chance that it can still work... but then again i do think it's time to release him, he did make a choice and there is nothing else i can do.  

HH wrote:

Thanks so much Aphrodite, that makes sense...
even with him thinking of me and having those feelings, his free will made him ignore those feelings and propose to her.  It's what you said: "They are with one person but truly want to be with another person yet stay with whoever they are with. It's very common."

what would you do in this situation knowing that he had the free will and moved forward with the current situation and current relationship? he clearly chose her.  and I think he knows better than to just propose, since we were already engaged and he went through this process... i can't imagine him not thinking this through wholeheartedly... 




 

I wouldn't say he is ignoring those feelings. He is trying to ignore and get rid of them and he took the wrong step in that procedure. He is unable to ignore, hence the actions. His focus is on you and he is perhaps wanting to avoid that.
Yes it is often the situation that humans want one thing but for many reasons stay with the unwanted things or with things they do not intensely feel for. This is applicable to the people around them, their jobs, even their vehicles and what not. You can witness it happening all the time.
I doubt he knows better than just to propose. Having one person in mind all the time and yet taking such a big step to avoid those feelings and gain the feeling for another person, how is this wise? This is immature. Not because he is a bad person but because he lacks the right emotional tools to make a proper decision in such a situation as this situation is very complicated.
If he thinks about you all the time and still stays with her then it is unfair to her. The wise thing to do should be to inform her what he feels and stay with himself for a while instead of continuing to be with her. But this is difficult for some people. It might offend her and he is perhaps afraid of doing that.
It could also be the case that he is shocked that he is still thinking of you, wanting you. I think it might be shocking for him to realise "how can "I" go through this (by this I mean this conflicting situation of wanting someone)? How can "I" be with someone and have feelings for someone else." I think he didn't expect this from himself. But he is trying to convince himself that it is nothing or he is just thinking that he is thinking of you or it is just a temporary phase or maybe it is happening because he isn't close enough to her. He was engaged to you and he perhaps thinks doing the same with her might take his mind off of you or will erase this phase, that he will achieve the bond with her. He isn't "choosing" her because he wants her. He is doing this because he is already with her and now to think of you all the time is unfair to her as it's a form of emotional cheating and then to leave her would be hurtful to her and it is difficult to leave someone because you know it offends them. I am not saying he is a cheater. I am saying that he doesn't want to be one. He is baffled that his heart is else where and he knows it's a type of betrayal but he is denying it to himself. He is lying to himself because he doesn't want to admit that this is happening that too by his hands. He is just betraying himself and lying to himself. He is trying to actually avoid that extremely difficult situation where he might have to leave her by realising that he still loves you. People don't want to be in that situation as it leads to horrible drama. Plus he might be afraid of being the "bad guy".  (I am actually not able to explain this properly but I know what I am saying)

1.5 years after the break up he gets engaged. That is .... fast in my opinion. Because people need time to lose feelings for previous person. Initially they might think they have lost it but then they realise they haven't. This is why I don't appreciate jumping in new relationships quickly because then it is unfair to the new partner. Having them in the arms but mentally loving someone else. This devalues them. You think he "chose" her.  Think about it. Would you appreciate it if somebody took such major steps with you but was mentally with someone else? How would you feel? You might think what is the point in this engagement if he is mentally wanting someone else? You will think he values someone else more than you. That looks a lot worse than your situation. Not that your situation is a walk in the park but how horrible it must be to be with someone who has feelings for someone else. What an insult if that person has feelings for someone else and still engages with you?

He values her. He thinks of her. How? If he thought of her well being would he be with her? He would actually back off. He is thinking of avoiding the obvious. He is thinking of "himself" because he didn't expect this from himself. 

And emmiline is right.See everything is actually about YOU. How do you view YOURSELF?  Do you view yourself as someone who loses things and loses people? Or someone who is too precious? So precious that if someone leaves you they are losing a gem.
Now I don't think we lose anything. There is always something we gain in every situation. You didn't lose him.
And by the way my belief is that when somebody leaves us it's because we lost ourselves. We don't lose anyone, we lose ourselves. If we don't have ourselves how will we have anyone and how will anyone have us. He didn't see "you" in yourself anymore. It's not his job to keep that "you". It's your job. What was the point of being with you if he didn't see "you" anymore. He fell for "you" and you lost her. You didn't lose him. You lost her. Never lose yourself for any reason on the planet. 

Are you noticing something HH? The more he is with her the more he is thinking of you. See, she is just a means for him to realise how precious you are, how much he wants you and how much he loves you.

Last edited by Aphrodite11 (2/11/2017 2:09 am)