Lanie Stevens, Author -- "Empowering Women Forum" - http://laniestevensauthor.com

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6/14/2019 10:54 am  #1


How to deal with anxiety after break up

Hi dear members!
This is my first time on this forum and my first post.  It has been 2 months since I broke up with him.  It has also been 2 months of no contact, although I had one text and one missed call on which I didn't want to respond as it was only a month after the break up, and I was going through the healing process and experiencing all the stages: sadness, anger, rage, etc.  I also wasn't ready and still am not to talk to him.  I pretty much broke up with the text message and was very general "we have different life values and priorities, let's not waste each other's time, good luck etc."  I really didn't want to hurt him.

I think my problem is that we never had a closure.  I never told him what was the real reason of brake up.  We are in our 40's, so no kids anymore, and I though we were very clear what we wanted in our lives. I understand my interpersonal skills are terrible.  I am honest, direct and straight to the point (can't stand all pshycological games when in relationship). I don't date and it has been 11 years since I actually noticed somebody (him). 11 years since I last dated a guy I liked, but just liked, no loved!  That's who I am.  I am afraid my lack of dating experience and nature of wanting a real thing (I am really not interested in one night stands, online dating, dating just for the sake of dating, anything like that as I don't care about these things, find them superficial and shallow, so please don't tell me I should do that...it is like forcing vegetarian to eat meat), so because of my lack of dating experience, I think I make mistakes. I also believe real feelings, and therefore, can't force myself into somebody or something if it is not 100%. 

I have feeling I am most over-sensitive and vulnerable person in the world.  I never heard my friends suffer so much, or talk about break ups as much.  I still cry for every little thing, think of us and overthink everything.  I just want that to stop. I know that break ups are not real problems, as real problem is when you have a terminally ill child and there is no cure for them (don't think in these life situatuion anybody thinks of some old ex and ego). So, we are alive, still healthy, just apart and with a good possibility to get back one day.  I know all that, but how to make anxiety and stress and all that pain go away?  I know, I have to let it go, de-attach myself, distract myself, oh trust me, I know all that, but it just doesn't reach me, it doesn't help.

Bought two of Lanie's books and I meditate a lot, but then I dream of him, and constantly think of him, look for answers, want answers.  I am so close to call him!!!  We talked every day about everything, and I miss that "friend" side from him.  Our conversations were great. We also had a great emotional connection and I could just feel when getting his call or text, and he told me so many time,"I just took the phone to call you and saw your number calling me..brrr, scary."  Even after break up I could sense when he took the phone to call me.....but PRIDE, oh that PRIDE on my and his side.  Stupid ego!!! Anybody experienced that awful pain in the stomach when having anxiety?

How to get rid of that?  Why is it easier to be unhappy in life, than happy?
And yes, I want him back, as our mental conncetion was perfect....could I be a bigger masochist...

Also, why are always women who suffer?  Why are all those books and advice written for us only, when it is obvious that men don't understand anything and they should be ones to finally start learning?

 

Last edited by Sweetsong (6/14/2019 11:29 am)

6/24/2019 1:16 pm  #2


Re: How to deal with anxiety after break up

I've read your post twice but I can't figure out the reason you broke up with him.  Maybe I'm missing something.  Is it possible that you sabotaged your relationship due to fear of loss, fear of being too vulnerable or something else fear related?  Since he called and texted you it is obvious he wanted to connect.  If he still has an interest in moving forward I don't see a reason to keep suffering over the loss.  What am I missing?  xoxoxoxoxo

6/25/2019 9:04 am  #3


Re: How to deal with anxiety after break up

Lanie Stevens wrote:

I've read your post twice but I can't figure out the reason you broke up with him.  Maybe I'm missing something.  Is it possible that you sabotaged your relationship due to fear of loss, fear of being too vulnerable or something else fear related?  Since he called and texted you it is obvious he wanted to connect.  If he still has an interest in moving forward I don't see a reason to keep suffering over the loss.  What am I missing?  xoxoxoxoxo

Hi Lanie!
Thank you so, so much for responding!  I could go into details what happened in our 3 months relationship and what led me to the break up,but that was not the subject I addressed and looked for possible answers and help.  To make it short - I started to feel taken for granted, had feeling it was only me who was investing in our relationship, started to wonder about the ways he made and was making decisions in his life (which were all wrong and he admitted them, but still he wouldn't do anything to bring good changes in his life and work on his own happiness),  and with the fact that he would say one thing and do another, I started to wonder what was really truth in his life (fyi, we don't have mutual friends, so all I know about him is from his side of the life story).  I don't need to fear the loss as I don't want to be treated the way he treated me sometimes, and I am not going to invest and stay in relationship where there is nothing to lean on.  Until he grows up and "mans" himself up, I really don't know what could bring us together.

My post was about dealing with the stages of break up.  Despite my firm way of knowing where I am at, I was going through the worst time in my life.  I am still emotional, spend so much time thinking about him, over-analyze everything, wonder etc.  Not to mention that every day I wanted to call him, but I knew that wasn't a good idea, as that would probably lead to the same nothing as it was before.  I don't even know what I would tell him (right now would probably be questions, "why did you waste my time, how come you didn't want invest more etc."  same old boring stuff).  My emotions and pain were and still are so hard that it made me physically ill where my stomach would be in a knot all day, and I could just scream. Not to mention the constant fight with my own self: did i make mistake, is he a man for me, no he is definitely not a man for me, what if I said or did this and that, what about, what if, should I call him, timing is not right, how could he do that to me, why etc. etc. etc. Damn female twisted mind and overthinking. 

So, my post was about how to deal with the stress, emotions, pain, overthinking after the break up? How to get out of all that confusion?  How to stay sane when emotions rule your life?  I don't want to have these feelings anymore, I wan't all this to STOP?

I do meditate, I go to the gym, I force myself to see my friends and go out, I cook, I clean, I even painted the bathroom, but believe me, nothing helps.  He is still the first thought every morning I wake up with and the last one before I go to the bed. I tried your meditation for cutting the ties with him, but after 2 1/2 months of no contact and with clear understanding that the break up was best solution, shouldn't it stop by itself?   That's what is making me wonder.


 

Last edited by Sweetsong (6/25/2019 9:16 am)

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