How wonderful!

Congrats! 😊😊

BellaLupa wrote:

Thank you for sharing in my gratitude about this, guys. It really makes me feel good and I don't really have people in my day-to-day who can appreciate the LoA aspect of it. 

I was long LOOOOOOOONG overdue to make these changes for myself and stop relying on the man I'm with to make me feel secure and happy. I'm sick of letting baggage and PTSD from my abusive past ruin my present. This man may have inspired me to kick my own butt to not sabotage myself anymore, but this is all for ME. I hope he's ready to be surprised and proven wrong.

Ladies, I cannot stress this enough. Performing the technique can do amazing stuff for our lives but if we're not LIVING and SPEAKING and FEELING in a manner consistent with those goals, it ain't gonna work out overall.

I am so proud of you and happy for your success.  Just a word of caution -- do not allow yourself to regress and if you feel it happening immediately do the "Cutting the Cord" meditation.  Also, if you feel out of control DO NOT have contact with him until you are composed.  You can do it!  All of your sisters on the forum are cheering for you!  xoxoxxoo

BellaLupa wrote:

Hey, guys. 

So I feel that I had a major success in turning things around in my relationship and I want to share it with you because I'm feeling really proud of myself and grateful right now. (And hopefully it can help someone else.)

My boyfriend and I hit a rough patch recently. It was a combination of a lot of things; him feeling stressed, exhausted, and depressed from life challenges, his previous relationship baggage, and a death in the family and me feeling insecure as a result of his behavior (since he wasn't sharing why he was feeling that way) and I had unexpected major surgery a month ago that has made everything feel more vulnerable and difficult to deal with.

He more or less ghosted for about a week and I was a nervous wreck. I "knew" that he was going to break up with me. So yesterday, he texted me and asked if he could come over after he dropped his son off at home. I panicked because I was almost certain that this was "it". I called him and plain asked him if he was breaking up with me. 

He paused and said "yes". I began to cry and felt absolutely devestated. He told me it wasn't anyone else, he still loved me and was in love with me, he didn't want anyone else, I hadn't done anything terrible, but he was questioning if he could be in a relationship right now because he felt that he needed more time for himself and didn't feel well equipped to offer a ton of emotional support. I asked him if he'd be willing to keep an open mind until we had a chance to speak face-to-face.

He reluctantly said yes, and I'll be by around 9.

I took a deep breath, pulled myself together and GOT. TO. WORK.

I took a long hot bath, let myself have one good freakout/cry, had a glass of wine, re-read some of Lanie's stuff, and cleaned and saged my room, working on making the energy as positive in it as possible. Then I did a nice long PW/BWD session, which really helped me feel more confident and in control. I made a point of prettying myself up so that when he got here, I would look and feel like my best self, not the hot mess devestated crying basketcase he was probably expecting and dreading.

I looked hot, I felt hot, and I KNEW as I looked in the mirror "He's not going anywhere. If we can talk and sort through what our concerns are, this is not the end. This is the man I want, and this is the man I'm going to have. His ass is MINE."

When he showed up, I could tell he was surprised that I looked good and was composed, calm, and smiling. I poured us a couple of glasses and wine and we talked. After he told me how he was feeling and why, I told him how I felt. Confidently, calmly, being vulnerable and matter-of-fact about my feelings toward him and why I felt that it would be a huge mistake to nuke our relationship at this point.

I did get a little teary at one point, but for the most part, we really talked, engaged, and even laughed some. I could tell he was conflicted about whether or not he was doing the right thing, but I walked over to him, sat on him where he was lying on my bed, and gently made him look me in the eyes. (Me straddling him probably didn't hurt matters because we hadn't had sex for a month due to me healing up from surgery.)

I said "I love you, more than I've ever loved anyone. You feel the same way about me. I'm a grown woman and I don't need you to take care of my feelings or manage them for me. If you don't have the energy to put a lot into coddling me every time I have a bad day right now, fine. It's my job to take care of myself, not yours. If you want to offer me your hand for support, great. Thank you for that. But I can also just go home and take of myself instead of dumping it on you. Take more time when you need it. Ask. You're a grown man who can take care of himself. 

I won't be angry with you and I have my own things to do to do too. If there's a crisis and I REALLY need your help, I know you'll be able to handle it and be there for me. You've already proven that to me and I'm grateful. But there is way too much that's good and special here between us to just drop it because things got hard and you didn't bother talking to me about it. 

I've been doing a lot of work on myself the last couple of weeks and I'm in a really good place. I'm feeling better about myself than I ever have. I just wish you'd let me tell you about it before we ended up where we are now."


He was skeptical. "I don't know. Wouldn't I be an asshole for not wanting to or being able to deal with it if you're having a bad day?" 

"No. You didn't ask me to go dancing when I was recovering from surgery. You're dealing with a LOT right now. Why would I ask you to carry something you don't have the resources for when it's my responsibility before yours? The issues you're having are about you, not me. I'm not taking it personally."

"Can people really change? None of my exes did no matter how often they promised to try and stop being too needy and codependent."

"I'm not them. That's why you love me more than you loved them. Have a little faith. This is something I need to do for MYSELF anyway. You contribute to my happiness, but you're not responsible for it. I am."

He nodded and looked thoughtful. At that point, he was exhausted from a very long day, but was cuddling with me and kissed me. He started getting sleepy. He asked if he could stay over because he was so tired.

"I'm not sure yet... I want to process what you've said and sleep on it. But you make a compelling argument."

"Take all the time you want. And what's the worst that happens if we can't make it work? We break up?"

He laughed. We went to sleep, cuddled together in a way I hadn't been able to do until then due to healing from my surgery.

This morning, he spooned me and kissed my shoulder. 

"I want to try again."

I didn't let him see how I nearly exploded from happiness. "Are you sure? Don't say it if you aren't sure."

"Yes. I'm sure. I wouldn't say it otherwise. I think we need to talk more to communicate about what each of us needs, but yeah. This is worth it to try." 

We had sex for the first time since before my surgery because now I could, and lay there together cuddling until he had to leave for work. 

There's work to do ahead, but it's work I have to do for MYSELF. If it wasn't for the encouragement and confidence I've gotten from Lanie's books and meditations, I wouldn't have been able to pull this off. 

I got this. And it's only going to get better.

This CAN be done, you guys. I accidentally manifested a possible breakup because of my baggage and fears, and I UNDID IT by committing to ditching them, doing the technique, and being my best self.

 
I'm so happy and proud of you!! See if we all just relax about the situation and we put ourselves first then everything will fall into place! sometimes it seems like the hardest thing to do is getting out of our own way but once we do it it's the best feeling in the world! 🎊🎉