I'm going to be completely honest here.

It's been a year since my guy and I split up. He wasn't the best person; as I've outlined in other posts. I have spent this year recovering; taking care of myself and our son; being by myself (by that I mean not really dating; a few but nothing serious or long); learning to make myself a priority; getting in touch with who I really am; etc. Most of the year has been spent in no or low contact; with a few good conversations in between - but inevitably he did something that made me cut contact again. 

Recently on our anniversary (the 7th) he contacted me again and we had a good conversation. He said "I love you with all my heart"; when he has not said the L word to me since we split up. 

I sat down this week with myself an re-assessed how I feel about him. It's complicated; but I do still love him very much. I have a strong belief in soul groups; life between lives and reincarnation; so I believe he is a close member of my soul family who agreed to come here so we could both learn love lessons; if you know what I mean. So, despite the bad things that have happened between us; I know that I love him for his true soul; and that's what I fell in love with. I know it's best he's away from us (our son and I) right now; because he chose some extremely challenging lessons to learn in this lifetime (alcoholism; BPD; narcissism). I accept that I needed to learn to let go of being treated badly by him and hoping he would change just because I was being hurt. I stood up for myself and I know I'm a strong and capable woman - he and his mother even said so.

As I assessed my feelings after a year; I realized that - as Abraham says; reach for the feeling that gives you relief - the thing I was fighting so hard was self-judgement, as well as fear of others judging me for how I feel. The thought that gives me the most relief right now is that I still love him very much; and I want his soul energy in my life. We were best friends, and when it was good it was very good..it's just that when it was bad; it was horrible. 

So you see my dilemma. Even if I come here and tell you all these things; I feel I'm likely to get scolded that I shouldn't want this man back in my life; that I don't have self-love; etc. This is not true..I care for and love myself very much. I have set strict boundaries with everyone in my life; and the instant anyone shows themselves to be disrespectful or otherwise ill-intentioned; I've cut them out.  I have turned away other people in my life this year who were not treating me well; since I had obviously set a precedent for it by accepting this man's behavior towards me. I've done a 'house-cleaning' as it were; and the Universe has supported me throughout this. I couldn't be more grateful for this time and the things I've gained and learned. But if I am completely and totally honest; I STILL want this man back in my life. 

It's hard to come here and try to interact; because I'm so worried about what all of you are going to say if I explain in detail what my situation is. But fighting how I feel isn't going to get me anywhere anyway, and is just adding more resistance. 

Also; I'd love to use the tecnique that thequeenliz mentioned here: http://laniestevensforum.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1869 ; but I'm also afraid my guides/Guardian Angels are not going to help me with this because of the nature of the way this man treated me before. I guess I'm afraid of their judgement also. I hope this makes sense.

IN other words; I'm worried that everyone is going to think I want this because of lack of self love; self care; co-dependency; etc. I've carefully considered all these things and I've done my work on myself (ongoing, of course). I enjoy my time by myself and with my son;and I'm not chasing after another relationship or trying to find someone to fill the space; etc. I'm not turning to drink or drugs. I'm not stalking my ex on social media. So be assured that I'm not unaware of these things. 

Last edited by lildreamer (2/17/2017 7:33 am)