I really want to forgive him.
I have always forgiven people in my life because I believe people deserve to be forgiven NO MATTER WHAT THEY Do, I believe not forgiving is evil and no good comes out of it.
But this time I actually want to forgive for the peace of my mind. By not forgiving and forgetting, I am hurting myself and no one else.
Okay I have this "problem". Many times I suddenly remember what someone did to me in past (even something that was done years ago) and I will suddenly get very very angry remembering those things. Trust me I do not want to remember them because I am the one who suffers after remembering them. I don't know why this happens.
My father was an alcoholic and a man whore. And mom was a loser who neglected me to please him.
My parents abused me a lot emotionally and physically. I was abused verbally and physically just for forgetting little tiny tasks (what kid doesn't forget?). They did many more horrible things to me and my brother. Fucking child abusers!!!!!!!
I really lashed out at my mom to tell her how I felt because of what they both did to me and my brother. She now realises what they did to us and regrets it.
But I still forgive her.

I admit there are occasional moments when I want there to be a day where my ex calls me, begs me, cries for me and tells me what a horrible thing he did.
But what I truly want is a day where the thought of him does not cross my mind even once. I am waiting for that day when I don't care about him and I don't think about him, not to get back at him, but for my peace of mind and happiness.

I wouldn't call myself a victim. I refuse to play a victim. I do not in anyway appreciate the victim mentality.

I do agree when some of you say that we attract these things to ourselves. If we attracted the negative, we can attract the positive too. I really do understand that it's our thoughts that attract such situations. And I admit that this is the result of my thinking I had in past a few years before I met my ex. That's what made me realise that yes I attracted this situation even if I thought like that few years ago. What we think turns into reality. It may not happen immediately, it may take a few years but it does.
But are we to say that these people are in no way responsible for what happens?
If that's the case then let's set all the rapists (male as well as female) free. Let's set all the pedophiles free.
Why kill Ted Bundy? Why kill Jefery Dahmer? Why kill Aileen Wournos?
I agree that it is upto us to decide whether we give the power to someone to hurt us or not is upto us.
To be hurt or not is upto me. Sure other can hurt me but whether I want to take the hurt or not is my decision.
But are we going to say that if I stab you and you bleed, it's your fault? That if it leaves a physical and emotional scar it's your fault? Same goes for emotional attacks too.

Aphrodite11 wrote:

I am queen, 
I agree with you. Who the fuck do these people think they are to do anything they want to their partners and expect them to just take it?
I have done that to a friend of mine who offended me once. I was quiet for a few years and then one fine day, out of blue, I just lashed out horribly (I stood up for myself), he was utterly shocked and felt offended by that but then he stopped replying. A year later we spoke and he said that he stopped replying because he realised what a horrible thing he did and he apologised for that. He said that he thought about it, that if I was reacting with so much anger, then it must be something very bad and he found his actions horrible too.

I had a friend once who insulted women in general once by saying something very offensive about women. I was too young and I didn't say anything at that time. Then after three years I called him up and verbally abused the fuck out f him for verbally abusing women. I called him a man slut, man whore, gigolo. He apologised saying he knew he made a mistake, we stopped talking and after many months, out of blue he apologised again.

But I am unsure here. You see when I say I want to protect my reputation, I wasn't talking about impressing him, what I actually want to say is what aligemini said. I sometimes think, me lashing out right now will only convince that piece of shit that he made the right decision. Also I might regret lashing out later. That happens. We burst out but then we regret. But don't you think I should at some point some day? And yes, standing up for ourselves is one of the bravest things we can do. 

The fact that u wanna lash out shows he's done something so big to have hurt u this bad !! And another thing is when he's done something so bad still I'm sure u put up with it for a very long time until u couldn't anymore so if u can put up with that for so long he sure SHOULD PUT UP WITH YOU VENTING OUT !! 😊

I am a queen, 
that's what I believe too. Few days before the break up, during the break up and after it, he treated me badly.
If he thinks he has the right to do that and I should take it, then he should be prepared to whatever I say to him and whatever way I treat him!!!!

If you think you have the right for whatever reasons to kick someone below the belt, be prepared to be kicked back!!!!
No matter what mental and physical condition you were in when you kicked them (except self defense).
And this sack of shit man whore had no right to do that and he definitely didn't do it in self defense.

The regret of venting out now (to show him that I am not some weak girl who takes shit and to make him realise what I did) is what is holding me back so far.
That regret is the reason why I haven't vented out yet.

I cried suddenly today morning when i had the memory of the night he broke up with me.
I was crying and he quickly fell asleep right after breaking up with me. What a pleasure it must have been for him!!!!

I will definitely vent out someday. I will do it when the time is right.

But till then I will follow the advices you girls have given. 
I need to do this for myself. I am waiting for that day when I won't think of him even once in 24 hours, not for him but for ME.
I hope I will be fine one day. One day I just won't give a fuck!!!!

A few days after the break up I was talking to God and I just said one thing "Give me the strength to deal with all this pain I am going through" I actually asked for it. And I found it. I am glad I haven't gone utterly bonkers. Ask and you shall receive. I received.

Thank you all for guiding me!!!!