**I've posted a variation of this in another thread but redoing here in the hope of someone giving input

Hi All

Newbie here! I've been lurking on here for the past week since discovering Lanie and want to say a huge thanks to you all (and Lanie) for the amazing uplifting posts, they give me hope

A little background on my situation – On holiday in the summer with my family I ended up getting together on my last night and day with one of the guys who worked there (yes I know!). I liked him from the minute I saw him. He added me on FB while I was there so I could send him pictures of all of us he’d taken using my phone. On the morning I got home he sent a message to check everything was ok, we exchanged a few more messages that week and I accidently called him, immediately hung up but he called me straight back. Since that call we spoke throughout the day every day (just under 3000 messages and 20 phone calls in just under 2 months).
At the start of us messaging each other he asked me to go back to see him and we eventually agreed on a date for me to go, he arranged an apartment for us to stay in. The first week I was there was brilliant he seemed to be over the moon to see me, came straight up from work when I arrived, big hugs and kisses etc! We'd cuddle at night watching TV, kissing my forehead, staring in my eyes when we were intimate etc. He'd message to see where I was when I wasn't with him, always walked me back to apartment if he had to work late and I was tired. Made plans for things to do my second week there.

I should probably point out that since first spotting my guy I thought i'd have no chance as i'm a good bit older than him and i'm quite an insecure person.  Throughout the time we were talking my thoughts were always negative, why is he talking to me! During the first week I was letting my insecurities get the better of me, not sure if this came over to him or not (I don’t think it did as I’m quite good at hiding how I feel). One night during the second week I was at the restaurant (his work) as usual having something to eat, he was there working and I notice this girl sat on her own.  An older woman came into the restaurant who it turned out stayed in the same apartments as me, she sat a few chairs away from the girl sat on her own and after a while started chatting to her.  After a while my guy and the first girl disappeared, a few minutes later the older woman came over to me said don’t you stay in the same apartments as me, introduced herself and proceeded to make conversation and ask me questions, if I was single, on my own there etc. She then informed me that the girl she had been sat with was my guys girlfriend (whether he said this or it was her interpretation I don’t know), I don’t think this woman had any idea there was anything with me and him. We weren’t in a relationship so he was perfectly entitled to see other girls as was I guys it was more the fact he didn't tell me (with me going over there again).  His reason when I confronted him when I found out was he didn't want to hurt me! He also claimed they haven’t been together long! Me and him have never discussed what we felt about each other or even told each other how we feel. 

Sorry i'm rambling.....the short of it is we have spoken a few times since i've been back (about 3-4 weeks), i've initiated contact both times! I contacted him a third time (I know I shouldn't have) which he read the next day but hasn't responded at all.  I know he's still with this other girl and she's back home now, she lives in a different country also.  Sorry for the long story but I wanted to give some background.

Anyway, for the past week and a bit I’ve been doing PW with a few BWD thrown in, since i've been doing them I was doing really well with trying to keep positive etc. On Monday at work I was going through reports and one of them had a surname not too dissimilar to his, he has a very unusual foreign surname, I took this as a small sign of some sort. Then that night his g/f tagged him in a post, a jokey post which mentioned girlfriend and when I saw this I just burst into tears and felt all i'd been doing was a waste of time.  I’ve been doing my best to get myself positive again and was doing well until today.  I started the day well, was happy and then this overwhelming feeling of something being wrong, can’t quite describe it has come over me, kind of feels like I’m going to have a panic attack! Could this be to do with doing PW?

I'm aware of things i'm doing wrong like checking his FB and hers, contacting him and not letting him go. I’m getting better at not doing it but need to STOP and LET GO! I also have problems when trying to visualise as his g/f keeps popping into it! HELP!!!

I downloaded the PW meditation and have started using this the past few nights when doing my PW.  Wow what a difference I noticed, I was able to visualise more clearly and my guy actually looked up and smiled a massive smile at me, usually I have trouble with him looking and I can't recall him smiling before! I also done the cutting the cord, didn't feel much from it but i've only done it once and will keep trying.  Should I do this before PW and is it okay to do both every night?

Still having trouble trying to maintain eye contact with him during visualisation, does this really matter?  His girlfriend is still popping into my visualisations but i'm trying to push her out! I still have regular negative thoughts but have to work on quashing them and changing them to positive.

I’m a bit confused as I’ve read to put him out my mind and get on with my life but also contradictions like visualise him in your life, see your life at the end with him etc.  Doesn’t that keep me thinking about him all the time? Hope that makes sense! Also is it normal to cry during PW? I do this all the time, usually when I have him tell me he misses me

I’d appreciate any help, guidance or tips as my head is so confused at the moment! x