mrstkg wrote:

That's got to hurt. I know you don't want to hear it right now, but you're free at least. Free to be pursued by a better match. You'll look back and be like "thank God". But, I'm a little confused "he said his marriage is just an adjustment". Did he tell you he was getting married?

I think you are unaware of my story.
I will try to repeat. It can be exhausting to repeat.
We were friends with benefits. He started developing feelings for me. He couldn't be with other girls. I started having feelings for him gradually. This was unusual for me as I do not develop serious feelings easily. He wanted to marry me.
Our relationship started in September 2015. I have ADHD and so does my brother. We were diagnosed in 2015. All these years I didn't even know something like that existed. He knew about this before entering the relationship. It was a long distance relationship. He came back in town in the end of March and his behaviour started changing. He was distant. He didn't meet me enough. And I am not a person who demands to meet everyday. He was avoiding me a lot. I didn't realize he was avoiding me. Then he went back to the city where he is posted (he is a soldier). And few days after that....... BOOM !!!!!! He broke up with me !!!!!!!!! On the phone !!!!!!! And he fell asleep after he broke up and I was crying and weeping !!!!!!!!!!
My mom spoke to him two days later, he blamed me for everything !!!!!!!!!! He blamed me saying that I procrastinate, that I don't sleep in time and don't wake up everyday in time, that I do not carry out tasks in time, etc!!!!!! Mind me these are all symptoms of my illness !!!!!!!!!! I suffer from insomnia, nearly no focus, anger outbursts, and a whole list of symptoms add to it the abuse I suffered during my entire childhood !!!!!!! My mom even tried to explain very politely that it is due to illness and that finally I am receiving good treatment !!!!!!! He denied all that !!!!!! I finally started reaching office in time, sleeping in time, waking up fresh, etc and he said I was faking all that !!!!!!!!! 
Then few days later his best friend told me that he had called her up and told her that his engagement has been fixed (arrange marriage we are from shit place called India). He started posting all the lovey dovey stuff. After the break up he had told me that whichever girl he is going to marry it will just be an adjustment !!!!!!! This is an adjustment !!!!!!!!!! All this lovey dovey nonsense !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I spoke to him on 17th August 2015 about this and he said "It's not in the sense in which you are taking it". That's the last time we spoke. And really !!!!!! It's not in the sense in which I am taking it !!!!! Then what sense is it !!!!!!!!! Who the fuck posts all such things when you don't truly feel something for another person !!!!!!!!!! I know I would never post those things if I didn't truly love a person !!!!!!!!! And who the fuck falls in love so quickly after ending a relationship !!!!!!!!
Now that I see back, few days ago he did post a few things which make me doubt if he knew her before he broke up with me !!!!! But I am unsure and I have no way of knowing !!!!!!!
I just don't know what happened !!!!!!!!!! His best friend told me that he said about me "She is a nice girl, I wanted to be with her, but my....." and he stopped. She asked him what but he didn't finish the sentence. I don't know how much truth is there in it. I remember him posting few days after the break up "If someone asks you why whatever happened happened? Then say that whoever you wabted wasn't in your destiny and whoever you got was approved by God". He is an atheist and he posted this !!!!!!
All this is so confusing!!!!!!!!!
He looks so happy with her !!!!! They look as if they know each other since long, as if they are friends too !!!!!!!!
I want to throw up !!!!!!!!!!!! Oh God !!!!! What have I gotten myself into !!!!!!!!!! All my fault !!!!! I am the piece of shit here !!!!!!!!!! My fault !!!!!!!!!!!

Last edited by Aphrodite11 (12/31/2016 10:15 am)

I am sorry you are going through this hurt. Don't say he never loved you as he moved on to another person. I was married for 7 years and I know that my husband loved me a lot and we had a great marriage but we ended it and not because we didn't get along. He moved on quickly and within a year of our divorce got married.  I know it is because it was difficult for him that our marriage ended and he needed someone to feel the emptiness. So the fact he moved on doesn't mean he didn't care for you.
And don't think that if 2 people look happy in a picture that their relationship is great. My ex-boyfriend posted so many pics with his new girlfriend and they wrote to each other how much they love each other..crap.. they are on and off and I think that now they have broken up.
Just coz he got married doesn't mean that his marriage will last. But do continue with your life and try meeting new people and who knows..anything is possible right?!

I want to move to some other country !!!!!!!! Somewhere in Europe !!!!!!! North America !!!!!!!!! Somewhere damn it !!!!!!!!! And I can't do even that right now as I have no passport or money to travel !!!!!! And getting a job in other countries can be difficult !!!!!!! These fucking government policies in all the countries !!!!!! You can't go even when you really need to !!!!!!!

The way you are going in on yourself, I can see a lot of the issue here. But I won't play psychotherapist. You'll heal. Yeah, you can keep going with focusing in on him to leave her etc...but Lanie advises against that if they are married. I agree. Cry it out. Delete any trace of him. Day by day you'll gain strength, then start affirming YOUR worth. That's a huge issue here. I'm sorry hun. I know it has to hurt. I have a similar story.(he was going through a divorce when we fell in love, i thought for sure we'd be together when it finalized, but nope...he got a GF. Pictures of her alllll over his FB page. And this was after discussing having a child with me) It hurt like hell.I moved on. But he ended calling me a few times trying to see me, even recently. I look at him now like SCREW you bastard. Let him wallow in his regrets. This guy just might as well. You'll see.

Last edited by mrstkg (12/31/2016 2:05 pm)

Aphrodite11 wrote:

mrstkg wrote:

The way you are going in on yourself, I can see a lot of the issue here. But I won't play psychotherapist. You'll heal. Yeah, you can keep going with focusing in on him to leave her etc...but Lanie advises against that if they are married. I agree. Cry it out. Delete any trace of him. Day by day you'll gain strength, then start affirming YOUR worth. That's a huge issue here. I'm sorry hun. I know it has to hurt. I have a similar story.(he was going through a divorce when we fell in love, i thought for sure we'd be together when it finalized, but nope...he got a GF. Pictures of her alllll over his FB page. And this was after discussing having a child with me) It hurt like hell.I moved on. But he ended calling me a few times trying to see me, even recently. I look at him now like SCREW you bastard. Let him wallow in his regrets. This guy just might as well. You'll see.

Yes he is married. But wasn't I there first? Weren't the promises made to me broken? Wasn't the commitment made to me broken? Wasn't I hurt? Wasn't I betrayed? Backstabbed ? Didn't he just bounce to someone else in no time? Perhaps even before leaving me? How is all this fair then?

How do such people don't go through the consequencesof their actions?

Aphrodite, when you did all of these techniques and went about your life - were you negative and worrying all the time? Our future is the sum of our feelings, beliefs and visualizations. Is it possible you felt he would meet someone else and that contributed to these circumstances? I'm not saying any of this is your fault, things happen. However, was your faith in him unshaken and did you truly believe deep down he was someone you wanted to be with?