BellaLupa wrote:

Hi, ladies.

About 6 months ago, I was going through an issue with my boyfriend in which he decided he wanted to break up but I managed to get it together and turn it around so that we stayed together and things since then have overall been GREAT.

http://laniestevensforum.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=811

We went out of town together for almost 2 weeks to visit his family in Seattle for the holidays and drive down to Portland to visit friends. Well, I was feeling out of sorts, overemotional, out of my element, and oversensitive. My anxiety got triggered by a few things and we ended up having a fight because I felt like he wasn't really hearing me or respecting my feelings. I suppose he was hearing me, but I guess I wanted to feel like he was validating my feelings more and was more "on my side".

We got through it, continued having a good time, but then I was triggered again in a couple of small ways that left me feeling anxious and depressed and our communication suffered some. Bless him, though, he was really doing his best to help.

The last day of the trip and when we got back yesterday, he seemed exhausted, stressed, distant, disconnected, and sad. The only other time I have seen him like this was when we nearly split up 6 months ago. I apologized to him, told him I was not proud of having put him through that, and that I loved and appreciated him. When I was leaving to go home, he hugged me and I said "Please promise you won't give up." He didn't say anything, so I asked him again. He smiled and said "Ok", but he just looked so sad.

We agreed to meet up for brunch on Sunday. I'm fighting nervousness and fear right now. Fighting my anxiety. I know that I am long overdue to dump the trauma that makes me feel this way and he said as much when we talked about it during our trip. I am having anxiety because I am afraid that he is now considering splitting up with me again.

If anything would get me to push harder than I've ever pushed to release my trauma and anxiety, it would be this. I love him so much. If he gave me a chance, I would do whatever it takes to make this right. Our relationship is generally so amazing and happy. I also need to do it for me and not just him, to stop sabotaging myself.

So today, I'm going to work on shifting my energy, visualizations, and manifesting. I'm doing the work, turning this around like I did the last time.

But I think I will need a bit of extra strength to do it and definitely encouragement. If you guys would be willing to offer that so that he will be receptive and work with me instead of bolting, I would really appreciate it. 

Both encouragement and manifestation assists would be really REALLY REALLY appreciated.
Thank you! 

I am not blaming you for anything because I don't know what all is going on with you - this is just general advice for all us women, including my own self.  I am no expert on men but I know that clingy, needy, and controlling doesn't work on them.  They have got to come to us because that is what they want to do, not to be pressured or guilted into anything but because they have freedom of choice and they want to be with us.  I also know that men don't like a whole lot of drama.  If it's a choice between a woman with a bunch of drama and mess and one without it, he's going to be with the one without the drama. Men want a woman they can come home to and relax from all their other pressures, not to get more pressure.  They are are not going to come to us if they dread whatever conversation is awaiting them every time they come around.

Anyway, just try to relax, deal with whatever it is that needs to be dealt with, do your meditations and be loving when he comes to you.  Have him some delicious home cooking (simple is best - make some no boil lasagna or roast a chicken), have some candles and music going, and remember that you don't always have to be talking about life stuff.  Put on a movie and make some popcorn.  Lay in his arms and whisper sweet nothings in his ear.  Men are easy, stop over-thinking him and making it so complicated.
 

BellaLupa wrote:

Well, he texted me and asked if we could get together to talk tonight. I called and asked him what he wanted to talk about and he said "I don't want to talk about it over the phone." Because I was panicking, I asked him if he still loved me. He said yes. So, I'm going over there in a couple of hours.

I know that he might very well try to break up, but nuh uh. Nope. I'm going in there confident, strong, reminding him of the HUGE amount of good between us that far outweighs the bad, He's a smart guy; he just needs to be reminded of what is real, important, and good between us and that he's not going to walk away from it.

I am done with drama. I am done with pressure. I am done with sabotaging myself. I am done with sabotaging us. This is a new chapter and we're going into it together. He will feel the love, he will feel the joy, he will feel the comfort and the beauty of what we have. No man in his right mind is going to throw that away. He's just in a negative spot right now and I am getting myself ready right now to turn it around.

Just as before, he's mine. He's not going anywhere. It's me and him until the wheels fall off.
I got this.

Good luck but if he starts talking about breaking up I would advise you to just leave.  Don't start crying and begging and asking him why.  Let us know how it goes.
 

Last edited by Indigo (1/06/2017 7:09 pm)

BellaLupa wrote:

Well.

We broke up.

 
Dear, I'm so sorry for you! But I'm sure you can turn it around this time as well. If that's what you want. But first you should look inside and adress whatever trauma it is, that's scaring you. It us holding you back from finding the love you want and deserve!

Best wishes, Love

BellaLupa wrote:

D*mn right.

I'm already working on it. I let myself spend yesterday in bed, on the phone with my mom and friends, crying, struggling to eat, reading, and watching Netflix.

But today, I downloaded Veronica Isle's "Get Your Ex Back" book (as it's very sound LOA-based advice over a prescribed 25 day period) and started making lists of affirmations, a couple of scripts, did some visualization, and will be cleaning my room and myself up tonight to feel better. I also reached out to a couple of friends and asked for support and to go out and do something this coming week. Most of my social circle is entwined with him or his roommates, so I'm actively expanding my social circle. I will also be doing Lanie's visualizations tonight followed by Cutting the Cord.

I am also prioritizing journaling and meditating about my issues and trauma so I can look at them rationally and in a positive light so I can put the past behind me. It's long past time and for ME, not him. But I am 100% convinced that fixing it will bring him back to me.

His body language and manner of speaking made it very clear to me that he was not rejecting me, but rather forcing himself to do it because he felt like he had to. He clearly loves me and even said that he would miss me. There was obviously a big part of him that did not want  to and was scared, so he was shutting down to make it easier. In retrospect, I am seeing this as encouraging. Also, he wants to stay friends after we give things some time and space, but I am also very good friends with all of his roommates and we have not yet made arrangements to return/take back the things we have at each other's homes. "No rush", he said. We're obviously going to stay in contact to some degree and see each other from time to time in the future. He obviously has doubts about his decision. We even held each other for a little while and talked quietly before I left. I told him I would miss him and he said he would miss me too. He had tears in his eyes even if he was putting on a tough front.

To me, as devastated and sad as this has made me, these things are all encouraging. We love each other more than we've ever loved anyone and by his own admission, our relationship is incredibly special. I knew in my gut from the very beginning that he was the guy, the one I'm meant to spend my life with.

Even that night after I left his house, this non-anxious little voice in the back of my head kept saying "You're ok. Do the work, he's coming back." These issues I have (the result of past experiences of hurt, abuse, abandonment, and trauma) have sabotaged me and my life for far too long. He believes that I will successfully do the work, but in his experience "it takes years".

Well, he's going to be surprised. It DOESN'T have to take years and he will see. It's a new year and today is (to quote a cliche) the first day of the rest of my life. 

I must do this. For myself and not just for him, although I want him back more than anything. My only worry is that he will not allow himself to trust me again. That he will force himself to "stay strong" and not risk it. He's extremely stubborn and resolute, so how can I help address this while I do the work?

Should I send him lots of heart energy and trust and love? Should I consistently visualize him softening and being open and trusting? I feel like this is the only real thing that would impede my progress, worrying about this aspect. Help?

EDIT: This is the statement I'm making today:

My beloved D is already on his way back to me, missing me, and wanting me back. It's just as he said so many times, that he loves me deeply and I make his life better. I'm the only woman for him and he is allowing himself to restore trust in me and my judgment, he thinks of me, him, and his little son as the family we grew to be during our time together. Just as he was always able to feel and react to my energy (negative AND positive), he can feel the change in me from 6 blocks away where he lives and wherever he goes. It is infectious and he KNOWS it's because of and from me. He is constantly reminded of me and filled with longing for our connection, for the feeling of sleeping in each other's arms, waking each other with dozens of kisses, spending long beautiful nights together laughing and loving each other, singing with each other, lazy Sunday mornings having brunch and doing crafting projects together, and going for walks in the park. We make each other feel so very very loved and special and have only felt this way for each other. He belongs to me and I belong to him. He is so very proud and amazed by the positive changes I have made in my life and he is finding a happiness in being with me that he never thought possible. We're going to live together in our dream house, which we will paint, decorate, and garden for together to make it our little castle forever. The garden we're planting and cultivating together in the backyard is where we will marry, surrounded by friends and loved one and the dog we'll have together. Yes, yes, thank you! It's happening already!

Sweetie I'm sorry to read that you broke up again.  You manifested him back before and you can do it again but I suggest that you also work on you.  In fact, I suggest every person reading this thread work on themselves as well as the other person.  If not you will have the same obstacles and the same outcome as you did before.  You cannot be the same person (nor can they) if you expect a different relationship.  My best to you in 2017!  xoxoxoxoxoxo

I did some PW/BWD and then "Cutting the Cord" yesterday after doing "Powerful You". Good thing too, because he texted me last night to ask if I'd be around today for him to drop some of my stuff off from his house. I'm not ready to see him until I have myself more pulled together, so I told him he could come after 6 PM when my roommate is home to receive it because I have work and plans.

He texted back at 1 AM (eyeroll) asking if he could come at 10 AM. I didn't dignify that with a response until this morning and told him that it wouldn't be possible, so he can come tonight or we can arrange another time and "thanks for bringing it by". No further explanations, as I need to put myself first right now and not bend over backwards to accommodate him. I don't want to see him until I can be sure that I have my head together and can present a good impression of how I'm feeling/doing. So I feel pretty empowered by that.

Last edited by BellaLupa (1/10/2017 11:49 am)