I have learned so much from all of you, and I wanted to thank you all for being such an inspiration. Reading about everyone's experiences has been so helpful and I'm rooting for you all!

So because of what I've read from your posts, and of course from Lanie's books and meditations, I've had a big mind shift today. I've been spending so much time agonizing over my guy, and why the frequency of our emails declined to the point where I haven't heard from him since January 3--the longest he's ever gone without contacting me. I emailed him a friendly messag e on January 19 but hadn't heard back from him. He's busy, he has a young child, etc etc, so I get that he doesn't have a ton of time but I've been twisting myself into a pretzel fretting over why he hasn't emailed, panicking that he's getting back together with his daughter's mother, or he's decided he doesn't like me anymore, etc etc. CRAZYMAKING.

But this morning it finally dawned on me that even though I'm doing CTC, I'm really not cutting the cord very well at all. I've saved all of his emails and I've read them constantly, analyzing them to see whether there were any signs that he was losing interest, etc. I love doing PW and BWD but even after CTC I'm still WAY too attached and he's had all the power. And it feels awful to feel like you're at the mercy of someone.

So I decided to delete all of his emails and have also decided that I'm not going to contact him again. I even deleted his email address from my contact list. Not that I don't know it by heart anyway, but it feels like a statement for me. If he emails me I'll be overjoyed, of course, but I'm officially NC now even though we never were NC before. It helps me feel detached, it makes me feel like I've taken my power back, which is something I hadn't felt before. So right now I feel more like well, if he never contacts me again, it will really suck and it will hurt, but at least I'll have stuck to my guns, at least it will have been my choice not to email him again myself.

And for whatever reason, it does feel like I've made a shift. My stomach is in knots because it sort of feels like I've "broken up" with him because I'm afraid he's already dumped me anyway. So at the moment I'm a little wobbly. But I think/hope it will help in the long run. I'll continue to PW the F outta him, and my plan is still to drive him insane with desire and need for me, but it feels more like I'll be doing it from a place of confidence rather than desperation. And I almost feel bad for the poor bastard because the PW/BWD are really going to break him. I just have to keep myself detached.

So that's my minor success-ish. And thank you all for helping me to this epiphany!