I really need to think out loud.  I stopped in here last spring.  got a single response from my POI, which as it turned out,  I misinterpreted as kindly. It was not.   It was snarky.  So ends that.  I am ok trying to give up at this point, but it really did take until this point. 

Here is my current mind set.  
My busy season is in the summer. I am an estate gardener and I mostly enjoy the work and my customers.   I have lots of time off in winter.  I spend this time mostly alone and tend to get depressed.  I am not qualified for, nor do I live in an area that offers lots of opportunities for any sort of really interesting work....think walmart, lowes, food service and warehouse.  I've done all them and don't wish to go back to them, seasonally or otherwise.  I will because I have to, but honestly....the time just drags at some of these places.

So last winter, out of loneliness and boredom,  I started hiking with another landscaper....known him for years.  Can't say I really like him, but he took my mind off of my POI.  I am now having flashbacks of the time I spent with him and am feeling like I wasted all winter. He got pretty pushy recently as I believe he expects me to spend more time with him this year. I do not want to repeat last winter for anything. I have been really snapping about this...very angry at me and at him.  On the bright side, it was exercise

The volunteer groups I work with are making demands I'd rather not do either.  I do not need to find a man, but I need to find my tribe, and these people just aren't it.

I want to quit drinking alcohol....so no bars for entertainment.

I swear I am not afraid to take an opportunity if it presents itself, but I am out of ideas as to where to look anymore.  I have tried looking for jobs out of my area, but get rejected frequently...again....not the greatest job history and many of the less qualified job types require that you live locally.  I can't afford to move til I have the job.

I need new....but my thoughts are all old....arghhhh.  Frustrated  I am frustrated with my inability to see a way out of my doldrums, let alone attract a friend or two...forget romance.  Like who would want to date this?   LOL...yes I am laughing at the" poor me" drama of this post, but geesh....its been two years with little to show for my efforts.  I mean I've done a lot of stuff, but none of it led anywhere.  Had it done so, I would have followed the trail.

Thank you for letting me use the forum to write.  I'm off to make a list of accomplishments....there weren't as many as I liked but there were a few....a well received graphic design project, straight A's in my classes, I fostered and trained several rescue dogs...little things.   Better than nothing

And now I know I am not getting my ex back...had hope up until the past few weeks.  Hope just plain hurts.  No more.